Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
