I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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