I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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