im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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