my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize