He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
