My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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