How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
