he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
