I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
