i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
