If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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