There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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