Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
