Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize