you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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