wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You are the jesus of drinking
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
