He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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