pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
