I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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