I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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