so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I CAN MOONWALK!
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
