Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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