Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
