Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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