I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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