my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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