If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
