im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
