i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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