Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
