I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I am available for nakedness
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
