I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
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