Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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