I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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