Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
