you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
