Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
