I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
