My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
