Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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