Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The uberlube is also flammable
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Randomize
