His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
