Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
