Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
