If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
