He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
