he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
