he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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