GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
