I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
