I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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