drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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