I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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