she was so not down for the gang bang
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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