I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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