Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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