I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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