I wish my penis had an off switch
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just want nice things and good sex
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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