im having a threesome with these popsicles
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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